I converted to Targetism many years ago after being raised a strict Chocolatetarian. I realize that my former religion might be right for some, but it left me with an aching sensation in my head, specifically my toothular region.
Target is my religion now. Since being baptized a Targetarian (you should have seen the ceremony! I got to wear a special shirt with the bullseye logo!), my life has been a non-stop festival of happy. If, for some reason, I start to feel a tiny bit blue, I merely zip out to Target and my spiritual equilibrium is instantly restored.
I take my Targetism very seriously. It's not just aimless wandering like some people think. I have memorized the 10 Commandments of Target, and with express written consent from their corporate offices, I have reprinted them here for you.
- Thou shalt have no other stores before me, I am the divine store where you can buy everything
- Thou shalt not worship false idols, like K-Mart, Britney Spears, or Lady Gaga
- Thou shalt not take the Target name in vain
- Remember Target days, to bring your whole paycheck
- Honor the parent company of Target (formerly Dayton Hudson Corporation)
- Thou shalt not fantasize about killing other shoppers who rudely grab the last pair of Missoni rain boots in size 8
- Thou shalt not commit adultery by ever setting thy foot in Wal-Mart
- Thou shalt not steal the pair of Missoni rain boots (size 8) out of another shopper’s cart when she is momentarily distracted by the sale on toilet paper
- Thou shalt not brag about the great deals one gets at Target (editor's note: this is a hard commandment to adhere to)
- Thou shalt not obsessively count the minutes until one can go back to Target next week
There are no hymns in Target, no music of any kind. Target is a quiet, solitary place to focus on spiritual enlightenment and the replenishing of dish-soap.
Just when I thought Target couldn’t get any better, Target went and did something so revolutionary, so divine, so benevolent for its customers … well, if you weren’t converted before, you will be now:
There is now a Starbucks inside of Target.
See you next Sunday.