MOVarazzi

Friday, January 13, 2012

629. Worshipping at The Altar of Target

Every Sunday, or most Sundays if I have any money, I drive on over to Target to begin my worship ceremony. I don't have to bother taking a shower or dressing up because Target is not superficial like that.  I pray on the way there, pray for a good parking spot (maybe right next to the entrance but not a handicapped spot), and usually my prayers are answered.

I converted to Targetism many years ago after being raised a strict Chocolatetarian.  I realize that my former religion might be right for some, but it left me with an aching sensation in my head, specifically my toothular region.

Target is my religion now.  Since being baptized a Targetarian (you should have seen the ceremony!  I got to wear a special shirt with the bullseye logo!), my life has been a non-stop festival of happy.  If, for some reason, I start to feel a tiny bit blue, I merely zip out to Target and my spiritual equilibrium is instantly restored.          

I take my Targetism very seriously.  It's not just aimless wandering like some people think.  I have memorized the 10 Commandments of Target, and with express written consent from their corporate offices, I have reprinted them here for you.
  1. Thou shalt have no other stores before me, I am the divine store where you can buy everything
  2. Thou shalt not worship false idols, like K-Mart, Britney Spears, or Lady Gaga
  3. Thou shalt not take the Target name in vain
  4. Remember Target days, to bring your whole paycheck
  5. Honor the parent company of Target (formerly Dayton Hudson Corporation)
  6. Thou shalt not fantasize about killing other shoppers who rudely grab the last pair of Missoni rain boots in size 8
  7. Thou shalt not commit adultery by ever setting thy foot in Wal-Mart
  8. Thou shalt not steal the pair of Missoni rain boots (size 8) out of another shopper’s cart when she is momentarily distracted by the sale on toilet paper
  9. Thou shalt not brag about the great deals one gets at Target (editor's note:  this is a hard commandment to adhere to
  10. Thou shalt not obsessively count the minutes until one can go back to Target next week
I walk the aisles of Target, my happy place, my soul salvation, and I think how lucky I am, lucky to be born in American in a time when Target exists. What if I was born in 1928? Or 1873? Or what if I was born in Russia or China? (Although, if I was born in China I would most likely be working in a factory manufacturing the very things that the American version of me buys from Target. I ponder this for a moment and then worry my brain might explode, which would most likely be messy and painful.  Instead, I search in my purse for the coupon for hairspray.)

There are no hymns in Target, no music of any kind. Target is a quiet, solitary place to focus on spiritual enlightenment and the replenishing of dish-soap.

Just when I thought Target couldn’t get any better, Target went and did something so revolutionary, so divine, so benevolent for its customers … well, if you weren’t converted before, you will be now:

There is now a Starbucks inside of Target.

See you next Sunday.

MOV

17 comments:

  1. MOV - I'm not sure how I feel about the Starbucks. I love Starbucks, but it seems to run contrary to the culture of a good deal that Target holds dear. I debated whether or not to tell you this, but I used to work at Target when I was getting my MA. In the PRICING dept (which meant I got first crack at any really good deals). The bad thing was I was only 22 years old and didn't really need a $3 coffee maker or $4 stainless steel toaster. Live and learn. Happy day!

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    1. I am so envious that you worked at Target. And yes, the Starbucks thing goes contrary to the "good deal" (money-wise) that Targetarians hold dear. But philosophically speaking, the convenience/ proximity of the quality caffeine fix makes it worth every penny.

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  2. If I lived closer to the Target store (we currently live about 15 miles from a Target) it would be dangerous. I always, always find something there that I love. We did scope out their after-Christmas sales and snagged some LEGO on clearance for next Christmas! WOOT! I should also extol the virtues of the Good Will store in the same town that gets Target's leftovers. Boy 1 and I scored a LEGO Star Wars set (over 1100 pieces) for $30! And yes, it was complete. Amazing.

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    1. WOW-- my Church of Target had the LEGO shelves picked bare. *sigh*

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  3. I'm from the UK, so we don't have Target, but when we visited some family in NY back in 2010 we popped into to Target, and I swear, we were in there for like 4 hours! (I may have exaggerated a little there...) But yeah, you Americans have got something good going with this whole 'Target' thing! I envy you and your Missoni rain boots (size 8) :)

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    1. Welcome to my blog, Aysh my new UK friend! I am a complete Anglophile!!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE all things British, especially books! I spent a semester there in college (London) and I like to brag to people that I am now 100% fluent in English. (I am American and raised primarily in California, so this is a joke. English is the language I was raised speaking-- ha ha. Dumb ol' American sense of humor, having to be explained and everything.)

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    2. I LOVE your logic. I too, when visiting family in the states, walk around saying things like 'hand me a soda' or 'where's the trash can?!', emphasising my American-ness for them to see :P

      Your blogs are HI-larious btw! (I back-logged :D)

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    3. thank you!!! :) keep reading..........

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  4. Wow! My Target only has the standard snack bar. I am in awe!

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    1. Le'Ann, you do not know what you are missing!!!

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  5. Congratulations, you hit the 200 followers mark!
    Our big cooler with wheels comes from Target, it was quite a feat to stuff it in a big bag to fly it back over here (full of salsa jars). I love Target and their clearance racks are just a dream come true.
    No such a thing in Germany (Target and coolers on wheels)
    Yes, we are weirdos.

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    1. thanks for the congrats on the 200! I don't want to jinx it. I have been obsessively peeking at my numbers since it was in the 180's, and hoping it would get to 200. Now please do not fall off, anybody! And I feel bad that you do not have Target in Germany. My particular Target is almost too big, so I have no problem sending you half a store. I just need to keep the half that has home furnishings and picture frames......... oh, and Ritter Sport Chocolate. :)
      oh, and ps-- you read my book, right? if you liked it, would you please write a short (hopefully positive!!) review on Amazon? I would really appreciate it. Thank you!

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    2. I think about reviewing your book each time I'm on Amazon, it's just that I don't want to write something stupid. I'm working on it. By the way, I thought you could leave a few copies of your book in waiting rooms (dentist, pediatrician, ER..) mothers tend to spend quite a few hours in there and could use a good laugh.

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  6. Ugh...As much as I love Target & Starbucks, we're 30 miles from the closest sanctuary. I'm lazy with my worship: Walmart & McDonald's - the televangelists of deals & lattes. Mass market praise, yo!

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    1. oh, 30 miles is too far to go for worship, I get it. Totally. :) heck, sometimes I feel like walking out to my mailbox (on the front porch) is a little bit too far. Why is the mail not brought to me in the dining room, like they do on soap operas?!? I think you are my new best friend, Jen P.

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When you write a comment, it makes me feel like I won the lottery or at the very least like I ate an ice-cream sundae. (This has nothing to do with the fact that I did just eat an ice-cream sundae.)