MOVarazzi

Thursday, December 29, 2011

613. Radical New Year's Resolution

I’ve done the lose ten pounds thing. Drink more water? Please. Exercise every day? Boring. Get more sleep? Yawn. Quit smoking (I don’t smoke). Quit drinking (I don’t drink … really all that much). It was time for a radical change.

You know where this is going. I sat down to draft up my preliminary “New Year’s Resolutions” list (version 2.0) when it dawned on me. I had an idea so new, so revolutionary, that I realized I needed to share it with you on my blog.    

MOV’s New Year’s Resolution 2012:  Avoid Annoying People.

Think about it. What annoys you? Is it really that the subway is running 10 minutes late, or is it the scrawny teenager waiting next to you who keeps blowing bubbles with her gum? Is it that your spaghetti came out cold from the restaurant kitchen, or that the waiter had a bad attitude?

Nine times out of 10, the deep-seated and underlying issue is: annoying people.

Think how easy and carefree your life would be without annoying people! That guy who begs for money outside Starbucks but then you see him using his expensive iPhone minutes later? Annoying. (Solution: go to the other Starbucks, the one by the dry cleaners, instead.) That lady at church who always corners you to volunteer for things you have no interest in? Skip the 10 AM service and go at 12 noon. That telemarketer trying to sell you a time-share in Jamaica? Don’t pick up the phone for numbers you don’t recognize.  The neighbor who never gives back the snow shovel or when she does, it's broken? (Oh, wait, that last one might have been me.) 

Repeat after me: Avoid Annoying People. It really is the one resolution that will make a difference on a daily basis. You might put the ten pounds back on or forget to save $20 extra a week in your savings account, but avoiding annoying people is easy to remember. You already know these people are annoying, you complain about them later to your spouse or co-workers.

Why would you waste valuable seconds of your important life being around annoying people? Just. Avoid.

When scientists do experiments with lab rats, they almost always employ some sort of pain technique to get the rats to do what they want. The rats are well aware of the potential torture, so they avoid it at all costs. We could learn a thing or two from our buck-toothed vermin friends: avoid, avoid, avoid.

(As an aside, what does the word "resolution" even mean?  It means "re-solution," as in REAL solution, which is exactly what avoidance is:  an effective and REAL technique to have a happier life.) 

I started my resolution early. Tonight, in fact. I was driving home from having dinner with a friend when I spotted those annoying blue neon blinking lights in my rearview mirror accompanied by a loud wailing sound, almost siren-like if you will. I followed my new resolution to a T: I stepped on the accelerator, commenced a high-speed chase (I guess technically I was the “chasee”) and zoomed off the nearest exit ramp, then quickly ducked into a gas station and turned off the car.

Avoid, avoid, avoid. I avoided yet another speeding ticket from yet another annoying police officer. My resolution is paying off in spades.

MOV

10 comments:

  1. because it is a dumb post, get a clue

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  2. no, you are wrong, the part with the police officer is quite unexpected. I stand by the post!

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  3. whatever. You would stand by the post. Maybe your NEW New Year's Resolution should be to write good posts! Ha!

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  4. Okay, does it count as comments if they are all your own? Annoying or avoiding you choose.

    Me, I'm thinking I'm one of those annoying people and we may have to break up our new little online affair.

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  5. Oh Julie - I must have just thought that comment instead of typing it...sometimes I think whole letters (the posted kind) and think I've sent them. Are you sure you didn't get a comment from me? something about life being too short to spend it with annoying people...

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  6. Arghhh....I just saw a type on page 85.

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  7. Oh Lordy. You're in a Marianne mood, so here you go! comment comment comment....annoying people do suck.

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  8. hi tuna-- I guess it is annoying that I post my own comments AND it is avoiding that no one else has posted anything. Win/ win! (but yes they all count as comments, so there)

    julie--thank you for the real and imaginary comments.

    tuna-- I don't do typos, they are annoying (and so is that damn editer, she is like totaly fired!)

    I am always in a Marianne Mood, now I just know what to call it. ha!

    best,
    MOV

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When you write a comment, it makes me feel like I won the lottery or at the very least like I ate an ice-cream sundae. (This has nothing to do with the fact that I did just eat an ice-cream sundae.)