MOVarazzi

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

547. Evil Spammers

I write a happy little blog giving people laughter and sunshine (no, not this particular blog, of course I am talking about some other wildly successful blog I write—with 100,000 followers—that you don’t know about and so you are stuck with this one, my sample “testing” blog instead, ha!). Imagine my consternation when I am repeatedly spammed by dentists.

That’s right: online dental web sites, promising to fix cavities and overbites in a single click, exalting the praises of teeth bleach (“FDA-Approved Cosmetic Whiteners!”), and convincing 40-something women that they are not too old for braces (“Invisalign Is Right For You!”).

They, of course, do not have the decency to spam my personal email account: no. They go straight for the figurative root canal: my blog (or as The Husband affectionately refers to it, “That damn blog of yours, do you even realize it’s time to feed our family dinner? Do you?”).

I do not fall for the toothy hype by following their dastardly links from their faux comments. Instead, I go to my own blog “behind-the-screens,” to the small box marked “traffic sources” and then ultimately “key word searches.”

Aha. There it is in black and white: bad breath. I wrote a three-sentence throwaway post about Tall saying mommy you have bad breath and voila! Dentist spam.

Turns out, halitosis is totally fixable online. I just have to send them a small check, in the amount of $285 plus $6.95 for shipping, and for that nominal sum, they will send me the equivalent to a trial size tube of Crest.

Ohh, but if there weren’t some female telemarketer with a Midwestern accent on the phone right this instant, seductively offering me three cases of Chardonnay for an important school/ church/ scouting fundraiser, and for the very same dollar amount.

(Marianne, you know who you are—“Napa Valley Premium Wine Source for The Virgin Mary Scouts,” indeed.)

MOV

10 comments:

  1. Oh my god, I'm laughing so hard that I'm about to wake everybody up. Then my husband will really hate "all this crazy blog stuff." Marianne

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  2. So I am wondering what having Penile Disfunction written in your comments.will do to your spam.... You're welcome! ;-)
    -L-

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  3. Marianne, as long as your mind is off the back pain and Vicodin for a minute, then I am glad I was able to make you laugh.

    L, oh great. I can hardly wait. If your comment ends up deleted later, you will know exactly why. ;)

    best,
    MOV

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  4. I have one old post, about jury duty, which has repeatedly been hit by spam from Asian escort services. Go figure.

    (oops ... I just put "Asian escort services" up in your comments ... let's see what happens, shall we?)

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  5. Hi, I'm new here. I just wanted to tell you that your blog is hilarious. It sounds so much like my life -- well, except for the being a flight attendant part. I also have two boys, ages 7 and 4.

    I have been reading your archives and cracking up even more. It may take me some time to read everything, but I will be back!

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  6. Mouth open: huuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh...do I need to call? Because there is no way I would risk halitosis with the amount of Chardonnay...sip...I've been known to put away. I'm still looking for a fix for chardonnacea. (Rosacea's ugly step sister!)

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  7. rockygrace, now I think I should totally write a blog about jury duty (I did get to serve once, and another time I was eliminated as a contestant, oops, I mean juror). And thanks for the Asian escort spam! At lease you didn't type in "XXX rated movie", so thanks for that!

    thescousewife (and what is a scouse? and how do you marry one? do you have to, like, fly to Tahiti or something? 'cause I am onboard for a trip to Tahiti), WELCOME to my blog! I am so glad you found it, feel free to tell all your mommy friends (I have been notified that SEVERAL people can read my blog at one time, it is not like the ATM where you have to wait and wait and wait behind someone forever and what the hell are they doing there that is taking so long just get the money out already-- are they refinancing their house? what is taking so long? seriously?). And yes, please read my archives! Then you and my mom can both say you are the only ones who read all of them. :)

    Patty, oh I so need to do a blog about chardonnacea (does this mean I have to give you credit for this stunning new vocabulary word? I so wish I could claim it as my own. okay, wheels turning on the chardonnacea blog).

    best,
    MOV

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  8. MOV - the credit goes to DRD the loving and amused husband. ;-)

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  9. A Scouse is a person from Liverpool, England. I married a Scouse, therefore I am a Scouse wife. I'll never be Scouse myself, but I guess I can be one through marriage. :-) We met during grad. school. (both history nerds). Now, Tahiti. Yes, let's talk. Can we get there by saving soup labels or box tops or something? That would rock!

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  10. I delete a heap of spam that never sees the light of day. There is rarely a rhyme or reason that I can discern, but suffice it to say I have seen offers for products to fix things that are too big, too small (lots of those), too floppy, too firm, and too lonely.

    How the heck to they keep finding me?

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When you write a comment, it makes me feel like I won the lottery or at the very least like I ate an ice-cream sundae. (This has nothing to do with the fact that I did just eat an ice-cream sundae.)