There I am at Target, my favorite store of the universe (sorry, Betsey Johnson). I am perusing the myriad choices of laundry detergent. It is 8 AM, and the only people in the store are me and the dozen or so red-and-khaki-clad Target employees, so imagine my dismay when another customer finds his way into the cleaning products aisle at the precise moment I am there.
I don’t care what other people buy, as long as they are not buying the last bag of Mint Milanos before I get a chance to grab it. I needn’t have worried about my precious Mint Milanos, as the customer in question is buying out Target’s back-up supply of bleach and Renuzit.
Truly. Why would I make this up? His cart has nothing else in it, no cute Missoni rain-boots, no slick magazine on kitchen décor, no coffee filters. He is methodically filling his cart with Renuzits, one by one, almost a pyramid formation.
Let me tell you about this so-called customer. Grunge for him is not so much a fashion statement as a default lifestyle. He is wearing baggy jeans with holes, and a stained t-shirt. His cheap plastic glasses are held together with duct tape and a prayer. He appears to be in his late 50’s, early 60’s. He has not shaved in at least a week, and his greasy hair would impress an Elvis impersonator. (He is super-skinny, and for a very brief moment I deduce that he thinks Renuzits are food.) This guy would be especially scary in a dark alley at 3 AM, but even in the harsh neon lighting of 8 AM Target, he is giving me the creeps.
I find myself staring at his cart, full of Renuzits and getting fuller by the second. He is crouched on the floor so he can find all the ones on the bottom shelves. What is with all those Renuzits?!? I have never bought even one Renuzit (let alone enough for my zip code) as I am not exactly clear on what they do, except make things smell (artificially) good.
Does he have some coupons? Do the coupons say that he must buy out the store's entire stock of Renuzits or the coupons are void?
Does he own, say, 100 cats? Dead, decomposing cats that he needs to bury and in the meantime hide the dead-decomposing-cat-smell from his neighbors and quite possibly the police?
IS HE A SERIAL KILLER? Is this how serial killers spend their time when they are not serial killing, they buy Renuzits at Target in bulk to cover up their crime(s)?
I try to think of an innocent explanation for ten large bottles of bleach and enough Renuzits for a professional football team’s locker room (for the next couple of seasons). I can think of no other reason than the killing spree.
I slink away from the suspected killer, not wanting to focus any undue attention on myself from him.
Maybe there should be a law, like a waiting period or something (like with guns), or a maximum number of Renuzits a person could buy at once. Four would be acceptable. Four hundred would not.
Today’s blog doesn’t have that cutesy little ending or punch line. I just want to warn you to beware of creepy guys buying too many Renuzits.