Thursday, December 30, 2010

278. That Kid Xavier

Let me tell you about Xavier. I have never met this child, but he is currently on my Bad List. My 4-year-old came home the last day of school before the holiday break merrily chirping the three most dreaded words in the English language: “Santa visits twice!” After I spilled my double martini apple juice, I managed to let out a desperate squeak of who-told-you-that? The guilty party: Xavier.

First of all, let’s make fun of his name. What kind of name is Xavier? A goofy one. How do you even pronounce it? Was his mom simply trying to make his later years easier by saying, “Oh, just sign on the line right here—well, you can put a big ‘X’ for your initial, that’ll be fine.”

Okay, back to the problem at hand: my life, complicated by three-foot tall Xavier. What gives, X? How could you do this to me? This is not in the Parenting Handbook (Revised Edition), that’s for sure. After the stockings are filled by the generous Santa Claus, we are now required to have an encore visit?

Let’s talk pure logistics, X: when exactly would Santa return? If you don’t like something you received in the first go-around, is it acceptable to ask him to take it back and possibly exchange it for the correct toy? or is that considered crass? Does Santa still come at night, or like soap opera stars does he make a daytime appearance?

What day? What time? Where (still the fireplace?)? If a child has somehow “slipped” back into the default setting of Naughty Behavior, does Santa get to seize the original gifts, sort of a “Santa’s Revenge” scenario?

For a moment, I consider calling Xavier’s mother. But I don’t speak French. Sure, I speak enough to ask if the other person speaks French, but when she energetically responds in the affirmative, all I can muster is “je prefer un ├ęclair chocolat si vous plait” (food seems to be my undoing, as always).

I finally coax the story out of my son Short. After much probing, I surmise that Xavier’s parents are divorced. Santa is coming to his mom’s house on Christmas Eve, and two days later Santa will reappear at his dad’s apartment.

No more poor me. Poor Xavier.



  1. Aw, yeah, poor Xavier. That is a hard one. But yeah, hard to explain to any child for sure! Thanks for visiting today! You should definitely go to Paris. I loved it!

  2. Xavier sounds young enough that he probably doesn't know the angst of divorce! Sounds like he was probably bragging about having Santa come twice, and the funny thing is that kids with perfectly stable un-broken homes become jealous of Xavier's two household childhood. I suppose it's a good thing for Xavier to get that where he can before he's old enough to know he hasn't got the perfect situation (or maybe he does?)!
    Funny story---I love how kids interact with each other and interpret things!
    Happy New Year :)

  3. Ah yes, reminds me of the time (about 20 years ago) when I had to come up with an explanation for my daughter as to why John G. received $4 from the tooth fairy and she only received 50 cents...

    Happy New Year!!

  4. See, French is so confusing (thou the Rosetta Stone is sure fun). That might be the problem too. The poor kid is confused. I am confused. My friend has a 13 yr old that is finally wondering if there really is a Santa Claus. I can't tell you what I was doing at 13, but by 4 yrs old I was sure Santa was my dad dressed up (he was). Maybe Xavier and mom will move. They sound high maintenance. I don't live near my friend anymore with the underdeveloped child and that's probably better because I wouldn't be able to keep a straight face about the lack of Santa belief. Since she only texts me now she can't see my face. There are good parts to texts. Maybe you can just have the mom text you before she brings Xavier over and you can ignore them.


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