Thursday, November 11, 2010

201. This Is What Betrayal Looks Like

Well, after I published that blog about my best friend forever (Target), my sister Oakley sent me this traumatizing email. Take a peek for yourself:

“RE: Your BFF, I hate to tell you this, but I have some bad news. Your BFF hasn’t told you something, that, now your good sister must:

If it makes you feel any better, in a recent moment of bliss, I forgot about Target’s harmful practices and bought some cute sweaters there. I was so proud of my purchases until I remembered that I’d vowed not to shop there. Oops.

Love ya,

As you can imagine, the sad news about Target sickens me. How dare she dump hazardous waste into the environment! See, this is exactly what I mean when I say she has been hanging around with, uh, not such a good crowd. Obviously, my BFF has a darker side, a side I apparently knew nothing about. How dare she betray me like this! (On the up side, I was glad that the hazardous items she was dumping were batteries and not peanut M&M's or KitKat bars.)

Additionally, as if Target’s environmental practices are not bad enough, my friend M tells me that Target supports anti-gay politics.

Big sigh.

You think you know someone, and then it turns out they have this whole “secret life” thing going on. Target, Target, how could you do this to me? After all the time we’ve spent together? Why can’t you just do the Right Thing?

Of course, I told Oakley that I would begin my hunt for a new BFF right away. One likely candidate that Oakley mentioned was GW (Goodwill). Now, its’ true that GW and I do go way back. GW turned me on to that super-cute red floral skirt that one time. GW helped me find a deal on some used best-selling hardback books ($2 each!). She had even produced a gorgeous large basket or two over the years.

But GW was no Target. Sometimes (most times) GW was nothing but a disappointment. How about the long black velvet skirt that was my size and only $6 (turned out to have a hole near the hem)? Or the stunning Limoges platter for only $11 (closer inspection revealed a large chip at the edge)? GW was erratic, clearly not the reliable friend that Target had been. I couldn’t deal with the bipolar tendencies of GW any longer. Some days it was UP-UP-UP with her, and other days it was DOWN-DOWN-DOWN. GW, I need a new leather tote bag, not a ride on your emotional roller coaster, thankyouverymuch. Now I avoid GW like the plague.

That leaves another likely candidate in my newly vacated BFF spot:  Nordstrom. She is my (secret crush) BFF. She totally would be my BFF if she even knew I was alive. Her problem is she is so rich and snooty.......... but that is kinda what I like about her.

So if you see me having lunch at the Nordstrom Caf√© (while wearing my Target coat), you’ll know I am just cultivating a new relationship. (It’s not really cheating if Target did it first.)


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