Saturday, October 2, 2010

152. Important Note To Self

Next time decide in moment-of-reckless-abandon to Have People Over, seriously re-think it, or at bare minimum, try to learn from latest new mistakes:
  • Must not brush teeth mere seconds before guests show up, because of inherent danger of spilling toothpaste froth all over cute new top with embroidered leaves (recent purchase from Nordstrom's).  If that happens (and it will), will have to change into plain back t-shirt that friends have seen a million times (try not to be offended when overhearing later something like, "Is that the only top she owns?").  
  • When The Husband allows first guest in, try not to glance at watch and grumble "Geez, I'm soooo not ready.  Is it really 5 PM already?".  Substitute instead a cheerier "Welcome!" or "Great to see you!" or even the generic "Thanks for coming!"       
  • Try to have food ready before guests arrive instead of grabbing first unsuspecting guest and cajoling her into the kitchen to start making veggie dip. (And cheese platter. And blended margaritas. And apple crisp--from scratch).
  • Maybe open a bottle or three of wine ahead of time so guest does not cut himself on cheap wine-opener, bleed profusely, and ask for ten bandages. 
  • Or buy nicer wine-opener.  Try to remember place of employment (high-end kitchen store) where they sell such things. 
  • Don't say to friend something along the lines of “I guess you didn't have time to change out of your work-out clothes” without finding out in advance if she did indeed come straight from the gym (she did not) and these are in fact her “dressy” clothes.
  • When making small talk and neighbor mentions Costa Rica, try not to go on and on about how hideous and terrible it is and how hot and muggy the weather is and how the local food causes immediate sickness, etc, etc, before she has had a chance to relay the information that she just booked a non-refundable two-week vacation to Costa Rica to celebrate her 10-year anniversary.   
  • If forget and do this anyway, DO NOT attempt lame recovery like, "Well, I'm sure that your experience will be completely different!" 
  • Do not offer 8th brownie to friend’s 3-year-old just because she wants one and she says sweetly and full-of-innocence that her “Daddy said it was okay.” She will either be bouncing off the walls or throw up (maybe both).
  • Try not to joke around with random guy who doesn’t look familiar by saying things such as “Who invited you anyway?” before confirming with The Husband that it is, in fact, his boss.
  • Do not force neighbor’s 4-year-old child to pet your cute cat (“Come on over here! She is a super-friendly cat, and she won’t bite, I promise!”) before possibly finding out if the child is deadly allergic to cats (he is).
  • When noticing that wine is running low, try not to say "What a bunch of alcoholics!" right in front of brother-in-law, who is, indeed, a recovering alcoholic.
  • When The Husband allows all children of guests to run free outside by announcing the yard is not “that muddy”, that is code for “all our white carpets will be brown from this day forward”.
  • Don't assume the glass of wine set on the side table belongs to self, especially when going in for third or fourth sip and noticing bright red lipstick on the rim (remember:  did not have time to put lipstick on today, or yesterday for that matter).
  • When someone's small child asks for help with his shoes, do not assume he wants help taking them off (and then oh-so-helpfully removing them for him with a flourish) when in actuality he wants help putting them on.  Do not act surprised when he bursts into tears. 
  • Try not to say, "Geez, I'll fix it, don't be a such a baby!" especially if he is only one and a half years old (which technically IS still a baby) and there is a teeny tiny chance his mother could be standing right there, slightly out of line of vision (she is), but not out of earshot (she isn't). 
  • Must remember to change burnt-out lightbulb in guest bathroom. 
  • Must remember to put soap in guest bathroom.
  • Must remember to put toilet paper in guest bathroom.   
  • When friend is trying to make conversation during a lull and shows a mild interest in new house (“Huh, so your house seems kinda nice”), refrain from grasping this as an opportunity to bore yet-another-victim with long-winded and drawn-out 25-minute house tour (“…..and then we decided to go with the polished nickel drawer pulls over here, did you notice the outlet covers we chose? Oh, and the ceiling color is actually a custom mix of 50% white and 50% a pale gray to soften it”). When the (former) friend’s eyes start to glaze over and he insists his cell phone is ringing (“It was set on ‘vibrate’ so that is why YOU didn’t hear it ring”), take this as an indication that the tour is over.
  • When realizing tour is over, DO NOT in desperation grab friend’s elbow and say something like “But you didn’t see the 'Before and After' 3-Volume photo albums yet!”
  • When neighbor says “I guess you invited us over for new blog material!” do not laugh loudly and then when she turns away for a second furtively start scribbling in small notebook entitled “Blog Ideas”.
("Memorable Or Vexing?")

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