MOVarazzi

Sunday, September 26, 2010

146. "Allergies" vs. Flu

So I’m at work and one of my dear co-worker friends (co-friend?) tells me that she does not feel very good. I say with as much compassion and sympathy as I can muster, oh no, you poor dear thing, are you sick (rough translation: get away from me, Sick-o, do not sneeze on me and give me your hateful germs) and she replies merrily, “Oh, no, I’m not sick…….. it’s just allergies.”

Huh. Not sick. Allergies. Where have I heard that before? Wait, wasn’t there a movie called, “True Lies”? Also, wasn’t there a movie called “The Body Snatchers” because that is how I know I will be feeling in approximately 24 hours (after said co-friend “helpfully” hands me my water bottle after she has put her grungey grimy germy paws all over it). Someone should just snatch my body RIGHT NOW because I need to lie down and go to sleep so I can stop hacking up my lungs.

Allergies. Who the hell does this co-friend she think she’s fooling? We all know that “allergies” is just an euphemism for I-have-my-vacation-to-Tahiti-all-planned-and-I-don’t-want-to-waste-my-precious-leave-on-sick-days.

Please tell me exactly what you are allergic to, Miss Suzie Sneezesalot, because I'm strangely suspicious that you are allergic to a slightly smaller paycheck.   

I know a thing or two about these so-called “allergies”. In fact, let’s refer to my handy-dandy chart to notice the similarities and/or differences between my lovely co-friend’s “allergies” versus an actual flu-like situation.
  • “Allergy” symptom …… vs……… Actual Life-Threatening Flu
  • Runny nose………………………Runny nose
  • Cough………………………….Cough
  • Bad headache………………….Bad headache
  • Watery eyes……………………..Watery eyes! (are we noticing a pattern?)
  • Can’t breathe……………………..Can’t breathe
  • Chills……………………………Chills
  • Sore throat……………………….Surprise! sore throat!
  • Sneezing every 5 seconds………..Sneezing every 5 seconds
  • Don’t need to call in sick to work.…MUST OUT OF HUMAN DECENCY AND COMPASSION CALL IN SICK TO WORK SO AS NOT TO INFECT ALL OF MANKIND AGAINST HATEFUL VIRUS
See? See all the differences?

Also, I feel compelled to point out that this is all just a giant scam to say, "Even though I seem highly contagious, I am absolutely not.  I could sneeze and cough on you ALL DAY and it would have absolutely zero impact-- you won't get sick!  I promise!  and if you do, by some strange coincidence or chance of fate happen to get sick after all, I am happy to share my Claritin."       

MOV
(“Multivitamin Or Valium?”)

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