MOVarazzi

Monday, September 20, 2010

140. Postcard From Me

(Wherein the bitchy know-it-all 19-year-old Me sends the Current Me a postcard)

“Dear Future Me,

I've had a glimpse of your life, and even though you 'seem' perfectly happy and act like you 'love' your life, I feel compelled to set you straight on a couple things.

Since you run around like a crazy person 'pretending' that you have no time (what a joke), I will attempt to make this brief. In fact, I will put it in a chart format just like we are learning in my Econ 101 class.

  • What You Do……….....................What You SHOULD Do
  • Spend 5 minutes on your looks........Spend one hour on your looks (come on! Would it kill you to blow-dry and curl your hair everyday like I do?)
  • Sleep until kids wake you at 6 AM.....Set alarm for 5 AM and go for a five mile run
  • Act like a maid................................ Hire a maid
  • Travel to Target...............................Travel to Europe
  • Rack up Lego membership points.....Rack up frequent flier miles
  • Shove junk in closets........................Organize your closets
  • Watch kids play...............................Go see a play
  • Pass out in front of TV.....................Go out clubbing all night
  • Eat quickly......................................Eat out
  • Water your lawn.............................Hire a gardener
  • Get kids dressed.............................Buy a new dress
  • Talk to self......................................Talk to therapist
  • Eat lots of chocolate........................Avoid chocolate (it's bad for you!)
Once again, it's obvious that I know what I am talking about.

Check your mail, I'm sending you a mirror.  Now get out there and put on some lipstick!

Sincerely,
19-Year-Old You”

Oh, geesh. This girl is getting on my nerves. How can I retaliate? Oh, I know:

“Dear 19-Year-Old Me,

Check your mail. I'm sending you a lovely Jesus CD.  And a box of Godiva.  Enjoy!

Best,
Your Future Self”

MOV
(“My Old Version”)

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