MOVarazzi

Friday, September 17, 2010

137. Royalty

So it turns out my dear friend Sammi is royalty! All these years (okay, one) that I have known her, and she has never once mentioned it to me.

Frankly, I’m hurt. Truth be told, I found out in a rather awkward way. I just sent her a quick little email, you know, just to be nice, just to say hi and how was her latest trip to London (she typically goes there twice a month…. I guess that should have tipped me off a little sooner). Because you probably won’t believe me, here is the exact transcript of our most recent email exchange:
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Hi Sammi,

How was London this time? Did you fly first class again? Anyone famous on board your flight (like Jeff Bridges, ha ha)?

Let me know when you get back and we can meet up at Starbucks (my treat).

MOV
*****************************************************
MOV,

We always fly in our private jet, which means the only famous people onboard were us.
I will try to call you if I get a chance, but this trip is pretty booked up with charity galas, etc.
I’ll be in touch.

(not sure if I can get you that poster from the National gallery this trip, maybe you should just order it online)
Sammi
BTW, I own Starbucks
****************************************************
S,

It is a limited edition signed poster, so it is NOT available online, which is the whole reason I asked you to get it for me. :(   That’s fine. I understand if you are too busy.

MOV
Ps—no one “owns” Starbucks, do they? oh, you mean stock
****************************************************

****************************************************
Uh, Sammi?

Haven’t heard back from you in several days, you must be back in Crazy Town, no? There’s a new movie out if you want to go see it with me!

MOV
****************************************************
MOV:

I’m not back yet.

dining with William & Kate.

enough with the interruptions.

Sammi
****************************************************
Hi Sam-Sam,

Ha ha, you are hilarious! Like “Prince” William and Kate! I can play along! Ok:
Sorry I interrupted your fun night out with William and Kate. (Is he as hot in person as the photos indicate?) I would not have emailed you at such a bad time, but I had no idea because you did not post it on Twitter. Do Will and Kate not do Twitter?

Best,
MOV
*****************************************************
MOV—
right after dinner we took the polo ponies out for a spin, so no time for twittering.

puh-leez. you think I have time for social networking when I'm with family!?

Lady Samantha
******************************************************
“Lady” Samantha!
Ha ha ha, that’s a good one!
"With family", like Royal Family--hilarious!!  You make me laugh so hard I snort coffee out my nose. 
So, seriously, what day do you get back this time?  Do you need a ride from the airport? 

MOV
*******************************************************
MOV,

Thank you for your offer to pick me up, but as I keep reminding you, the limo will be there like always. 

I might as well tell you (I try to keep this under wraps, but I feel I can confide in you):  William is my mother's 3rd cousin twice removed. I am 47th in line for the throne. Did I never mention this to you before? (In England I go by “Duchess” but I truly thought it sounded too pretentious here across the pond, so most people refer to me as "Lady".)

Lady S
***************************************************
S—You are so funny! You crack me up! All that time, I thought your “British” accent was fake! Ha ha ha!

Call me when you’re back.

MOV
***************************************************
MOV,

I’m glad that you think it’s funny, but I was being serious. I try to live a low-key life, and keep things as normal as possible, but are you trying to tell me you honestly had NO IDEA?

Sammi
***************************************************
S
I thought that 5 carat diamond ring was fake.
MOV
***************************************************
It’s real. So is the matching necklace.  (Did you think I could afford that one a mere writer's salary?!)

Sammi
***************************************************

As you can well imagine, Reader, I am dumbfounded by the news. I can no longer swear in front of her, and I certainly cannot try to tell her what I-previously-considered-to-be-funny anecdotes, like the time my bikini top fell off when I was in 8th grade.

I will try to look on the bright side: maybe she’ll treat me to Starbucks or at least invite me on her private jet?

MOV
(“Mockery Or Valid?”)

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