(Letter to the Current Me, From the 19-Year-Old Me)
“Dear Mrs. MOV,
Could you please show a little restraint and common decency by not allowing (or even encouraging) your boys to pee outside?
I am 19 and know everything, and one of the main things I know is that you are embarrassing yourself! Do you think your neighbors like to see your boys peeing by your side bushes or front tree all the time? They are all going to have to buy curtains! Have you never heard of a bathroom?
The thing that bothers me the most is that you act like toddlers and young boys give you no warning ... do you really think that they have no advance notice? Is it even possible that a small child could be that wrapped up in playing that he is completely oblivious to his body's signals? and are you actually that busy that you can’t take them in? Do you think they are going to wet their pants or something? does that even happen?
No, it does not. Once human beings are out of diapers at age 1 ½, then they know to go in the toilet and they give themselves adequate time to get there. And, okay, let's say for argument's sake that they did not get to the bathroom in time. Guess what? You can change their little outfit! It's not a big deal to change their clothes and toss them in the laundry! The maid can wash them later.
Or, if you happen to be in a public place and this happens, I'm sure you must always have an extra change of clothes with you just in case. (Additionally, I should point out that peeing outside must be illegal, too! Have you ever heard of indecent exposure! You are probably setting yourself up for a fine or maybe even a lawsuit!)
What all this boils down to is this: do yourself a favor and take your sons INSIDE the house when they need to use the bathroom.
Huh. How do I even respond to that? Oh, I know:
“Dear 19-Year-Old MOV,
I hope that words taste good, because you’ll be eating those soon enough.
The Future MOV aka, the mommy-of-two-boys-who-have-to-go-right-this-second-otherwise-have-their-3rd-accident-of-the-day PS—and just so you know, NOTHING embarrasses me anymore.
Best wishes, hon."
(“Meet Our Vandals”)