MOVarazzi

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

80. Wardrobe Dyslexia

I have noticed a disturbing trend: when The Husband get dressed, he always looks fantastic. Shorts & a t-shirt, business suit, khakis and a polo, tuxedo, swimsuit and a Hawaiian shirt, whatever: perfection. Somehow, it all matches (like Garanimals for adults!). Random top, whichever pants just came back from the cleaners; it all works in concert. Me? not so much. How about a generic black cotton sweater with a tan A-line skirt? How can you mess that up (I mean, seriously)? No. The sweater is too puffy and the skirt is too voluminous and all together, I look like a Giant Fat Puff Ball. Ugh. A red floral skirt and a white blouse? The blouse keeps coming untucked. Fine, wear the blouse untucked. Nope, looks sloppy. A green scoop-neck top with a butterfly-print skirt? Drat, I notice a small orange-juice stain on the skirt. Too bad the stain isn't located on an orange butterfly instead of the pristine white background. Pants then! Can't go wrong with pants. I put on some darling khaki Capri's and a black & white patterned top; I finish off the ensemble with my new black ballet slipper shoes. Super-cute, like something out of a magazine. Success-- I look good! I am ready to go to work at my fun job at the high-end kitchen store. I go to give The Husband a smooch and he gives me a once-over and utters The Most Dreaded Phrase without a modicum of caution, "You're not wearing that, are you?" Huh? I wonder, what exactly is wrong with it? (and oh, by the way, since when has The Husband assumed title of Fashion Guru?) He back-pedals, "I just meant, uh, have you worn it to work before? and did your boss say it was okay? it is a little on the casual side. It's just, the pants......." he hesitates, never a good sign. Great, now I am super-self-conscious. What exactly is wrong with the pants? He rallies, "Uh, well, uh, you always look, you know, pretty good, but this particular outfit," his voice is getting quieter, " Uh, the pants are..... kinda baggy and it makes you look, ummm................. it is just not flattering. " Vagueness= looking terrible. Of course I immediately change. I am running out of time now. I throw on the ONE dress that always looks good: a classic silk navy-blue dress with a white geometric design. It is elegant and it never fails to elicit compliments from my friends. Not today: today there is a pulled thread that is somehow threatening to unravel the entire creation. (Silk? is made of thread? who knew?). I am desperate. Since The Husband always does manage to look pulled-together and has (evidently) proclaimed himself the newly-crowned Fashion Guru, I decide to ask his advice. "Fine," I say, with thinly-veiled exasperation, "What do YOU think I should wear?" He grins (reveling in his newfound authority) and goes to my closet. He flips through my attire like a veteran fashion connoisseur. "Here," he says triumphantly, as he hands me the same generic black cotton sweater and tan A-line skirt. So I wear it to work. MOV ("Mannequin's Opinion: Vetoed")

1 comment:

  1. Your blog gets better and better--Hobbes thinks so too!

    ReplyDelete

When you write a comment, it makes me feel like I won the lottery or at the very least like I ate an ice-cream sundae. (This has nothing to do with the fact that I did just eat an ice-cream sundae.)