Friday, August 27, 2010

111. Parenting Algorithm

algorithm (as defined by Webster’s New World Dictionary): any systematic method of solving a certain kind of mathematical problem It is a mathematical certainty that, in any given day, your children will exhibit specific unacceptable behaviors and outbursts. You may be perplexed as to what is the most straightforward and effective way to deal with reoccurring stresses caused by your (otherwise) angelic little children.

For that reason, I have devoted today’s entire column to a helpful easy-to-read algorithm chart that first lists the child’s inappropriate behavior and then is followed by a very simple solution for the parent to easily cope with the situation and maintain any shreds of sanity. Think of it as your parenting “cheat-sheet”. This chart can offer great comfort to you and those closest to you (for example, your husband) for times when measures such as “time-outs”, “using a confident tone”, “taking away privileges”, “reasoning”, “offering choices”, “ignoring bad behavior”, and other psycho-babble bullshit have failed. I hope you are able to obtain the same excellent results that I have. If not, come over to my house and I will show you what you are doing wrong.

  • Child's Behavior ...... Recommended Solution For Parent
  • Meltdown tantrum @ Target= vodka tonic
  • Meltdown tantrum @ Target with an audience= double
  • Broken collarbone for running preschooler who tripped on rocks= Southern Comfort, rocks
  • 3rd potty “accident” of the day = 3 glasses of Chardonnay
  • Scream for no apparent reason whatsoever while Mommy is in shower = screwdriver
  • Kicking brother without provocation= tequila shot
  • Excessive whining= another glass of wine
  • Hurling Lego’s @ cat= margarita
  • Hurling Lego’s @ Mommy (and hitting her in the eye)= margarita with a tequila chaser
  • “helping” Mommy by putting all dirty clothes and clean clothes together in one pile= vodka neat
  • Picking a scab and getting blood all over the white couch= Bloody Mary
  • Spilling entire glass of milk on clean outfit right before family needs to leave= Kahlua and cream
  • Forgetting to tell Mommy that today is her turn to bring homemade brownies to school bake sale= Jack & coke
  • Not eating any of nutritious lunch Mommy packed (“today was pizza day”)= apple martini
  • Biting fellow preschooler= mojito
  • Locking Mommy out of house accidentally= glass of Merlot
  • Locking Mommy out of house intentionally when she needs to use the bathroom= bottle of Merlot
  • Calling Mommy “stupid-head”= gin & tonic
  • Dropping Mommy’s favorite necklace in the toilet= lemon drop
  • Getting out of bed 7 times= 7 & 7
  • Fear of dark= Pinot Noir
  • Too much Chuggington= chug a beer

Feel free to adapt this list to your own specific needs (and please remember to drink responsibly—a reminder from our generous corporate sponsor Absolut). Focus on the REAL reason that 5 PM is called “happy hour”: that is when your husband gets home from work and takes the kids for a while so you can finally get a break. MOV (“Margarita Or Vodka”?)


  1. Um, there is only one problem. Sometimes all those things happen on the same day. I'd be under the table after only waking up in the morning. ;-)

  2. true. often more than one happens at once. chocolate is a good substitute.



When you write a comment, it makes me feel like I won the lottery or at the very least like I ate an ice-cream sundae. (This has nothing to do with the fact that I did just eat an ice-cream sundae.)