MOVarazzi

Monday, August 30, 2010

115. Gardening Update

I know you are eagerly awaiting the latest installment on the status of my front yard. Well, I have some bad news for you. I would have mentioned it sooner but I just noticed it today. One of my newly-planted-practically-fresh-from-the-nursery small trees is wearing (it’s difficult for me to even type this without sobbing) …… A Hospital Bracelet. I know what you are thinking: how can a tree wear a Hospital Bracelet? I wondered the same thing. Some things are just better left up to the mysterious ways of God and the Jesus CD. I was out there, attempting to water my sad little dying plants and THERE it was, in all its glory, mocking me: the Tree Hospital Bracelet. It was sporting it as if to say, I have checked into the Great Nature Reserve In The Sky, and it’s all your fault! What now? Seriously, who marked my little tree? Did some do-gooder freighbor come by and stick that sucker on there? Why would he/ or she do that? Is this like some sort of indication to the whole neighborhood that I am really lousy as a Yard Owner? sort of a big red flag? I have tried to be a responsible Yard Owner, really I have. I water occasionally. If I remember. Or if I’m not that busy that day. Or if I don’t have to drive someone somewhere at some point. So, in response to this terrible turn-of-events, I have drafted a brief letter to the oh-so-helpful-freighbor responsible for making my life a living hell. Just to warn you, I am a really really good letter-writer (this stems from my years, decades even, of writing complaint letters to, uh, pretty much everyone). Here goes: Dear Freighbor, I thought we were more than just neighbors, I thought we had been promoted to the status of friends. Apparently not. What am I talking about? Oh, don’t deny it; don’t act so coy. You know exactly what you did…….. you know what this letter is about. I just want to find out one thing: WHY? Why would you publicly want to “call me out” and publicly ridicule me in front of, you know, uh, the public? It’s like you’re saying that I’m a bad Yard Owner. How dare you? How dare you! HOW DARE YOU!!!! I already know that I’m a bad Yard Owner, I don’t need you, or anyone else or no one or others for that matter, to point it out to me. Now all the other neighbors are going to make fun of me (well, I mean more than they do already). These are the same people I must face at my child’s bus stop! Have some compassion! That Tree Hospital Bracelet is a new low. Where do you even buy such a thing? I hope you’re happy and I hope you can sleep at night, knowing that you have given me a complex about my tree and my yard (well, in all honesty, I guess you didn’t “give” me a tree complex, more like you just exacerbated my already previously existing tree complex). In case you’re wanting to apologize, I, too, would like to put this unfortunate incident behind us. I know what you can do to make it up to me (not wine, although that does work for me in 99% of situations). No. It’s not going to be that easy. I will see you bright and early in my front yard at 9 AM tomorrow morning. And the morning after that. And all week. Bring your garden hose. Your neighbor, MOV (“Mutilating Obsolete Vegetation”)

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