Wednesday, August 11, 2010

90. Frenemy

So I have this frenemy. You know, she is a friend but also an enemy? Her name is Kelly. I have known her forever; I can't think of a time when I didn't know her. But, she still lives in California so I don’t see her as often as I used to. She drives me crazy. Everything I do, she can do better. I constantly feel like she and I are competing. She buys a new house? I buy a new house. I get married? She gets married. She buys a new car? I buy a new car. I study in Europe? She complains about not getting to study in Europe. Point: MOV. We have mutual friends and are constantly thrown into situations where we are together. She is smart, and she is strikingly beautiful. She reminds me of some perfect Disney character (well, if Cinderella were half-Japanese and 5’11"—see? Don’t you hate her too?). We are always nice to each other, cordial, beyond that even. If you saw us together, you’d think we were very close friends. MOV and Kelly! So much in common! So many similar interests! She was invited to my wedding. She bought me a beautiful (and expensive) crystal decanter from my registry. Point: Kelly. And although there was much talk of renting out a winery in Napa and much planning of a destination wedding in Jamaica and much discussion of guest lists and much looking at Bridal Magazines and too many trips to Crate & Barrel to review registries, ultimately Kelly eloped in Vegas. Point: MOV. Kelly and her new husband took off 6 months from work to travel to Australia and New Zealand for their honeymoon. Point: Kelly (6 months?! better make that 2 points). I want to like her. I want to be like her. And yet………. She gets a really great job, I get an okay job. Oh, wait, now I get a better job. She quits her other job. She gets a better job. Grrrrr. Point: Kelly. All the time, Kelly I am so happy for you! Oh, thank you and you know what MOV I am so happy for you! No I am happier for you! Actually I am happiest of all for you! Why do we do this? the eternal competition? We constantly egg each other on. And if something really great happens to me, she smiles, showing off the highly successful and lovely results of three years of orthodontic work. (She used to be a toothpaste model-- seriously!). Even though her grin seems genuine, I know she is seething just below the surface. There is always a touch of anxiety in her voice when it comes to me. Even The Husband is aware of our bizarre rivalry. He sometimes adds fuel to the fire: “Hon, if we go to Hawaii for vacation, do think it will make Kelly jealous?” I give him a withering look, and then I say wearily, “Of course it will. That’s why we’re going.” Point: MOV. We up the ante. I have a baby and she has a baby. You ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Now it is not just me and Kelly. Now it is the two infants. And the clothes. And the strollers. And and and. Do you make your own baby food? Well, who doesn’t?!? You are putting your car-seat in all wrong. Do you buy organic cotton clothing for him? (Point: Kelly.) You don’t use bleach on the baby’s clothes do you? You do know that all plastic is poison and you are poisoning your baby and your baby might die and it is all your fault, right? Will it never end? And then one day, the competition does end. Just. Like. That. I get a new car, and Kelly gets a divorce. Oh. MOV (“My Obnoxious Viewpoint”)

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