MOVarazzi

Friday, August 27, 2010

112. Spam

Everyone has one: a friend or family member who “means well” but litters your in-box mercilessly with Spam. The Spamerator is a wonderful person in real life, but you put her behind the keyboard and she only knows how to do one thing: click that mouse on the tiny icon that says “forward”, clickclickclickclick.

She must spend hours at the keyboard, being unproductive and single-handedly transferring computer viruses to half of America. I ask myself, HOW did I get on her list? What exactly did I do to annoy and upset her so?

Here are some real subject lines from recent Spams I have received from the friend I like to call “The Spamerator”:
  • Fw: Red-neck merry-go-round
  • Fw: Desperate times call for desperate “pleasures”
  • Fw: I AM HONORED TO DO THIS
  • Fw: Bible study for the non-religious
  • Fw: 22 easy ways to make your life more green
  • Fw: Fashion tips for the Fashion-impaired
  • Fw: TRIP TO COSTCO—just too funny
  • Fw: Fw: Worse things than oil on the beach
  • Fw: Refuse these coins (don’t delete)
  • Fw: Fw: Cameron Diaz is Hot—her EZ workout routine
  • Fw: grapefruit recall (please read immediately)
  • Fw: Fw: Reduce your Carbon Footprint (DO IT NOW)
  • Fw: Fw: NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND
  • Fw: Shock on NBC this morning
  • Fw: All Tylenol made in China (DO NOT BUY)
  • Fw: Why the apology Obama?
  • Fw: Infant carseat warning
  • Fw: Tax Time!!!!! (don’t delete this)
  • Fw: Go Arizona
  • Fw: Silent Killer (useful information)
  • Fw: fw: YOUR LAUGH FOR THE DAY
  • Fw: Why Housing Market Collapsed (not Y U think)
  • Fw: Fwd: Animal Thoughts
  • Fw: SUCKING UP TO THE BOSS
  • Fw: He said, she barked (Hilarious!)
  • Fw: This explains a lot (UNCLASSIFIED)
  • Fw: What Doctors DON'T Know (scary)
  • Fw: FW: Jesus knows your here and forgeves your sins
  • Fw: This is NOT a chain letter—this is for kids’ books!
  • Fw: Just a reminder
  • Fw: Gotta love the logic (TOO TRUE)
  • Fw: Election day coming—vote like me
  • Fw: Fwd: Worry less, laugh more
  • Fw: 7 degrees of blonde (FUNNY)
Somehow, if she has to alert me in advance that it is “FUNNY” or “Hilarious!” then I automatically know it’s not. I have better things to do (like watching paint dry) than “please read immediately.”

I love this friend dearly and have tried to bring up the topic of her Excessive Forwarding Tendencies (she is borderline Spamaholic), but guess what she says? “I only send you things that are completely relevant.”

Huh? How exactly is “Homeless Man’s Funeral” relevant to me? or “Neil Armstrong’s Secret”? I have asked her nicely to please take me off her mass mailing list, and she just laughs—she thinks I'm trying to make a joke. So I ask her a third time and now she pouts—apparently, I've hurt her feelings.

As a last resort, I say to her, “Look, I’m really busy! I don’t have time to read them all ... do you think you could just send me emails that you yourself have written?” She nods slowly in the up-down, up-down, up-down, universal way that means “yes”, but later I find my in-box overloaded with, surprise! more of her virtual cyber-diarrhea.

Because “Desperate times call for desperate pleasures”, I have come up with a simple solution. It’s EZ, and you can try it for the Spamerator in your life too (“DO IT NOW”). I have decided to forward her a few choice emails of my own:
  • Fw: What to do when you have no life
  • Fw: I’m Bored—Now You Can Be Too!
  • Fw: How to lose friends and alienate people
  • Fw: WHAT TO DO WHEN ALL YOUR FRIENDS STOP SPEAKING TO YOU
  • Fw: If you have too much time on your hands, you can come to MOV’s house and fold laundry!
  • Fw: fw: Easy Ways To Be More Productive (don’t delete this!)
  • Fw: Jesus knows how to spell and you don’t
  • Fw: Jesus would like you more if you’d go water MOV’s lawn
  • Fw: Reminder—Don’t send spam to your so-called “friends”
  • Fw: How To Apologize For Wasting People’s Time (TOO TRUE)
  • Fw: HOW TO USE THE DELETE KEY (useful information)
  • Fw: Easy ways to make friends (#1—pick up telephone)
  • Fw: Make Jesus happy—go to Costco for MOV
  • Fw: Self-quiz: What level of Spam is acceptable?
  • Fw: You would laugh more if you stopped reading so much spam
  • Fw: FW: I AM HONORED TO TAKE YOU OFF MY EMAIL LIST
(And, sweet Spamerator, if you happen to be reading my blog instead of sending more Spam, consider this your long overdue “spamervention”. Now turn off your computer and let’s go out to lunch.)

MOV
(“Magnifies Own Viewpoint”)

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