Saturday, July 31, 2010

75. Jesus CD

So I am in the kitchen, minding my own business, making myself a normal turkey sandwich and Short a "deconstructed" turkey sandwich. Only in this case, the "deconstructed" is not a nod to some haute cuisine method: it is literally two pieces of bread next to a piece of lettuce next to a piece of cheese next to a piece of turkey, and it is absolutely imperative that they not be touching.

Knock-knock-knock. I am puzzled: I am not expecting the UPS Guy, or anyone else for that matter. I glance through the peephole ("peek"? "peep"?), and I see two ladies I do not know. One is holding a book.

I start to quietly slither away undetected, because I just don't want to deal with salespeople, when Short goes blazing past bellowing, "WHO IS IT, MOM?" Before I can stop him, he has opened the door.

Ugh. I do not want a magazine subscription or a free in-home security system nor do I want a lecture on political candidates or someone to mow my lawn (well, actually, I would like someone to mow my lawn now that I think about it). It turns out I need not worry about magazines/security/politicians/gardeners..... these ladies are selling Jesus.

I'm a person who believes in God, but more like, "Dear God, when will these salesladies leave?"

I'm not one to tell you that your religion's right or wrong, I'm a tolerant person, but I want to be left alone and not have religion shoved down my throat while I just want to get back to my sandwich (which the cat may or may not have jumped on the counter to lick while I have been gone and the opportunity presented itself).

The ladies are well into Their Spiel. Sigh. How can I cut this short? And speaking of Short, he is standing there in full rapt attention (how come I never get this attention when I say put your shoes away?).

Now they are forcing a free introductory Jesus CD at me. What should I do? If I admit yes I am already Christian have a nice day they will start inviting me to their church. If I say no I'm not interested, that will make them stay even longer to try to convince me. Just let me eat my Goddamn sandwich!

Fine, I will take the CD if that will make them leave. They seem happy now. I don't want the CD (obviously) but I don't want to be rude either. It does occur to me that they initiated the rudeness as they bothered me in my house uninvited. Argh.

OK, they are gone now. Yummy sandwich time!

The next day, the CD mocks me from the front entry table. I am still here when you want to accept Me as your Savior! That CD has got to go. I plop it where it belongs, right in the trash.

The following day, I go to take the trash out, and the Jesus CD stares up at me from my recycled Target bag. You are throwing me away? Just like that? You don't need Jesus? I have hurt the CD's feelings.

Be quiet, Jesus CD! You are just a CD and I didn't want you in the FIRST place! Isn't there something somewhere in the Bible that says "thou shalt be polite" or "thou shalt be nice" or "turn the other cheek" or "thou shalt not kill the annoying saleslady" or something like that?

Fine, Jesus CD, you win. My guilt gets the better of me (must be a Catholic Jesus CD) and I pluck the Jesus CD out of the trash. I study His picture on the front. This is a Retro Jesus, with a 1970's hip look to him with rainbows and birds flying around.

I put the Jesus CD in a paper bag next to the front door. And pray I won't be struck with lightning as I drop it off at the Goodwill.

("Metaphorically Offering Virtue")

1 comment:

  1. I love this. One time when I had a newborn at home, 3 Jehovah's witness showed up at 8:20 in the morning. They rang the doorbell and I answered it, half asleep and I'm pretty sure in a sports bra, and they said "ARE YOU LIVING YOUR LIFE DAY TO DAY?" I saw their lame church clothes and shut the door in their face. Really? 8:20 on a saturday when I've had 27 minutes of sleep? They left a sign on my door with a comic book about Jesus.


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