Saturday, July 24, 2010

68. My Maid Didn't Show Up Again

So my lazy maid didn't show up again today. Or yesterday. Or the day before that. This is getting ridiculous.

So I told The Husband. Predictably, he was not happy about this. Guess what he said?

"I think you should fire her."

Huh. The conversation between myself and this woman who pretends to clean my house (but actually does a pathetic job at it) will probably go something like this:

Me: You're fired!
Self: Cool!

The timing could not be worse. My dad and step-mom are visiting from Colorado, and the incompetent maid has left some obscene number of loads of laundry undone (probably 26 loads).

Sigh. How can I (oops, I mean she) justify that? And how can anyone find anything to wear? Not only that, the sink is full of dirty dishes just calling her name: "Maid! Maid! Come back! We need you!"

Under the circumstances, I have no choice but to post the following job opening:

Wanted: Maid

Effective Date: Immediately

Job Description: Must wash lots of laundry. Constantly. When candidate is finished washing all the laundry, wash more. And contrary to popular opinion, laundry is not done until it is removed from dryer, folded and put away. Unacceptable to leave so-called "completed" laundry in giant wrinkled pile on basement floor. (This is part of the reason last maid was fired). Additional duties include hand-washing dishes (sorry, no actual dishwasher on premises). Also, must clean bathroom. Oh, and, ummm, light gardening required (this involves watering grass and plants for about an hour a day; ideal candidate must know how to adjust a sprinkler).

Hours: 24. Someone who arrives late every day or not at all will NOT be tolerated.

Pay: None.

Terms: Someone with no life and no outside interests is preferred.

Ideal Candidate: Reliable, hardworking, non-complaining, self-motivated, and must never disappear for an hour to "check his Fantasy Football scores on the computer" or to "see if anyone left comments for her latest blog."

Contact: MOV; if I am busy checking my blog, please leave a detailed message.

I expect to hear from several qualified candidates any day now.

("Maid Of Value")

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