Wednesday, July 14, 2010

49. Kitchen Wars

My girlfriends and I have this fun little game we like to play when they come over: it's called, "My Kitchen Is Smaller Than Your Kitchen". It goes something like this: Me: So here is my kitchen. We painted the cabinets gray, you know, to sort of pick up the color in the floor tile beca....... One-Upsmanship Friend: Wow, it is really tight in here! But you know what? My kitchen is actually even smaller. Me: Well, the tile was already here, so we just tried to kind of wor...... One-Up: God, you should seeeeee the tile in MY kitchen! Hideous! But then, we don't need much tile at all because my kitchen is so much smaller. Me: Huh. I highly doubt that. THIS one is very small. I mean, I have seen bigger walk-in closets! One-Up: I'm telling you, mine is smaller. Maybe half the counter space. Probably 6' x 6'. If I have a friend over and she is in danger of losing this fun game, the conversation will go more like this: Me: And we did change out the hardware, see the new handles? they are from Restoration Hardware. And then The Husband painted the existing hinges black, I really like how..... Friend: I had no idea your kitchen was this small! Ugh, how do you even cook? Me: Well, actually, I don't really cook. Friend: I know! How could you, even if you wanted to? But, honestly, MOV, you know what? My kitchen was even smaller than this before we renovated. Me: Well, obviously, we DO want to add on eventually. Friend: Yeah, you totally could! Just blow out this wall, right where the microwave is-- oh, my God, wait! You don't have a microwave! How can you live without a microwave? Me: Look closely, because we don't even have a dishwasher either! Friend: Yikes! You're right! You don't! But actually, neither did we before the renovation. Seriously, MOV, our kitchen was like a closet. Worse than a closet. It was almost like the architect just forgot to put it on! "Oooops-- no kitchen! Sorry! Here, have a hot plate instead!" If the friend really really wants to participate in this great game and I KNOW that she has a stunning new kitchen with marble counters and a Viking range, then the game can turn out this way: Me: So, I am kind of a little embarrassed to show you the kitchen, because, you know, your kitchen is so gorgeous. Really Wealthy Friend: Well, we did totally luck out. But you know, it's all a trade-off because the bedrooms in my house are waaaaay small. But who cares? You only sleep in the bedrooms, but you live in the kitchen. Me: RWF: Uhh, sorry, I mean, you will live in the kitchen when you finally add on in a couple years. It will be great. Me: Oh, yeah, I know. You're right. I have some magazine pictures of what I want it to look like. Actually, I even drew a couple sketches. RWF: You totally should have seen the kitchen in our last house! It was even smaller than this! We won an award for Smallest Ickiest Kitchen Ever! And the linoleum tile was avocado green! Me: You won an award? RWF: No! I'm joking! Who would give out an award for that? It is an exhausting game to play. And what does the "winner" get? A really small kitchen. MOV ("Must Obtain Viking")

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