MOVarazzi

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

66. Sprinklers

So, The Husband decides that It Is Time for us to finally do some landscaping. We hire a Landscaping Guru and his company to fix our yard and plant more grass and all that other yardy kind of stuff they do. I think mulch was involved. I did my part, clearly, by handing the Landscaping Guru the check. He looks at the check, blinks twice, and says, "Now, Miss MOV, I will walk you through the watering and care instructions." EXCUSE ME?!?!? Did you not read the part of the contract, Landscaping Guru, where it says, "low-maintenance plantings"? For goshsakes, Guru, you WROTE the contract! You signed the contract and I signed the contract! What is up with that? Watering instructions? Isn't that the part that, oh, I don't know, God and Mother Nature take care of? So, I pretend not to be irked, because obviously it is too late to go back now. I follow Guru obediently around the yard, while he says things like "core aeration", and "acidity", and finally "sprinkler". I am pretty sure I know what a sprinkler is, so I nod enthusiastically to show I am paying attention. Guru confirms with me that I will be REQUIRED to water the yard and plants every day for about an hour for the first month. Ugh. Commitment. When The Husband gets home from work, I try to pawn off the new responsibilities on him. He is having none of it. He reminds me that Guru mentioned the lawn must be watered in the morning, and The Husband has to get ready for work. It's all up to me. Not good. The Husband is nice enough to go to Home Depot to buy the new sprinkler because he has a deep-seated (and justified) fear that I will buy The Wrong One. He returns home with our new little toy and then goes into a long-winded and complicated series of instructions that I am trying hard to follow. "Set it in the yard. Then turn it on." Apparently that is it. The Husband gives me a quick look, and says, "I know you can handle it. You will be awesome at watering." Positive encouragement. This is the Human Resources Director in him coming out. The next morning, I try to commune with my Inner Gardener. I don my jaunty little sun hat and head outside, ready to tackle my new project: Make My Yard Not Die. I set up the sprinkler and turn it on (see: I was paying attention!). However, the sprinkler goes completely past the designated area and instead gets the whole front porch wet (the one area that has no plants at all). Sigh. That is okay, slight adjustment. Now the sprinkler is getting the main sidewalk all wet-- What is this demonic sprinkler's obsession with concrete? NO! Come on, do your job! Get the green things wet! After about 19 more minor adjustments like this, I give up. The sprinkler waters the 30-year- old (already thriving and well-established) tree. The sprinkler waters the driveway (I told you there was a concrete fetish). The sprinkler waters the neighbors windows. The sprinkler waters my car. Grrrrrr. Do I even need to mention that at the end of this venture I am soaking wet? MOV

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