Sunday, July 18, 2010

60. How To Score A Good Seat At The Movies

Back a million years ago, when The Husband was merely The Boyfriend and we were merely dating, Going To The Movies was a high priority in our lives. We loved movies! What's not to love: there's popcorn and a good air-conditioning system and previews and candy and a tall Coca-cola and a two-hour escape called "The Featured Attraction". Sadly, other people also realized that going to the movies was fun. But, that's okay, because The Boyfriend and I were smart! If we happened to go to the movies on say, a Friday or a Saturday evening, we knew to get there at least 5 minutes early to snag our seats. The Boyfriend's seating preference exactly paralleled mine: we preferred Good Seats. If Good Seats were not available, then Great Seats were also acceptable. We liked to be smack dab in the middle, so as to become One With The Screen. Or, barring that possibility, half way up and on the aisle, so we could make a quick escape after drinking too much Coke. Now, remember, this is back in the Dinosaur Times, before stadium-style seating. (Let it be noted that I am a HUGE fan of stadium-style seating; it is a such an innovative and intelligent design that I am surprised no one came up with sooner: everyone has a great view, a comfy seat, plenty of room, and a personal cup-holder. There are no bad seats. It is a win/win for everyone.) Even though The Boyfriend measured in at 6'4", I was not as blessed in the height department. If someone tall sat in front of me, I would simply not be able to see. As you can imagine, this could ruin the night for me. Often, we would scope out the Ideal Perfect Seats that met all of our demanding criteria, only to have some inconsiderate Person show up DURING THE PREVIEWS and sit right in front of me! This would, as you might expect, make me mad. What am I supposed to do now? Yell at him? Ask him to be shorter, or at least slouch out of Common Courtesy? Kick his seat the whole time, like a defiant child? Talk loudly during the Good Parts? No. All of these things would just incite more anger and then everyone would pout and have a bad time. Management or at least teen-aged ushers might have to become involved. No. I was forced to come up with an amicable solution on my own. So I did. I would gently tap the Person on his shoulder justbeforehesatdown and whisper sweetly, "Someone spilled a Coke in that seat." The Person, without fail, would thank me profusely and then find a different (far away) seat. The Person was grateful that I diverted him from the disaster-of-sitting-in-a-fictitious-wet-seat, and I was rewarded with my movie not being blocked by a Giant Head. Win/win. MOV ("Movies Outrank Videos")

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